


In Syzygy

by sarangx



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety, platonic?, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-05 21:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarangx/pseuds/sarangx
Summary: syz·y·gyˈsizijēnouna conjunction or opposition, especially of the moon with the sun.





	In Syzygy

**Author's Note:**

> hi im ur local ace who has terrible social anxiety so i thought, why not make a fic out of my disorder?
> 
> lol i hate myself but i love my kids

Changbin comes off as intimidating and he knows it. His stygian hair and fuscous eyes make quite the combination, and he flaunts it to the best of his advantage.

He wasn’t sure why he did it, though: the subtle glares, the permanent scowl, the dry remarks—it was just instinct, really. A defense mechanism, perhaps. He had always felt a bit more cautious and anxious around people, and a psychiatrist brought it up once as Social Anxiety Disorder. Changbin’s parents, of course, had brushed it off and continued to say how his insomnia medication wasn’t working and that they had agreed to cut off the dosage completely. Doctor Kang had objected to the decision profusely, but the parents were set on what they had put their mind to.

(Really, the news of this was a shock to Changbin since he had never said anything about his medication. He believed it _was_ working, but his parents had never once asked him if it was or not or if they should stop buying the pills. In a way, though, Changbin wasn’t truly surprised.)

That was right before he had joined JYP Entertainment. The social anxiety followed him through his audition, choking his throat with cold hands and almost devouring his mind. Almost, but not quite. He had managed to pass and had been accepted into JYPE, even if he was sweating copiously at the end of it and his heart was threatening to break out of his chest.

Throughout his training period, he isolated himself and stuck to the empty practice rooms as he danced nightly. Sleep wasn’t something he was familiar with, anyway, so the exhaustion that settled into his bones was an old friend. The bags underneath his eyes became apart of his natural appearance, and other trainees believed his skin had been stained. Changbin didn’t pay them any mind.

As years passed, he took his pen to paper and proceeded to write, and write, and write. Words failed him whenever he tried to speak conversationally, but on paper it was a whole other story—rhymes and wordplay bloomed along the lines, the ink of his pen bleeding through the pages. He found that it was okay he couldn’t talk very well; the written lyrics spoke for him.

 

Chan was an unexpected friend. He was kind and friendly and so not _Changbin._ His eyes shone with mirth and a smile always seemed to be pulling on his lips.

The only similarity they seemed to have was their love for music and producing. They had their first meeting in the studio, after all, and none of it had been planned.

Changbin hadn’t visited the studio before in fear that others would be there. He had never been comfortable with sharing his work with others, and he didn’t think that would change after so many years. But he figured that at four in the morning, who else would be in there?

Bang Chan, that’s who.

When Changbin had walked through the door, his gaze immediately snapped up to meet the wide eyes of another boy. With slightly curled hair and an angled face that spoke of a different country, Chan was quite the sight to see.

They had stumbled over their greetings, unsure as to who was older. Formalities of _-ssi_  were issued, and the awkward air strengthened. Changbin had inched to the farthest corner after awhile, and quietly, he unzipped his backpack to pull out his songbook.

”You write songs, Changbin-ssi?” Chan had asked after several minutes passed. The abrupt question sent Changbin’s pen flying from his grasp due to his surprise.

”I- uh, yeah,” he mumbled, not looking up as he bent down and quickly snatched up his pen. When he brought his eyes to Byungchan’s he almost reeled back from the brightness of the boy’s grin. And— wait, _was that a dimple?_

“I do, too!” He had said, eyes forming into pretty crescents.

And so that was the start of their friendship. It was terribly unplanned, terribly unprecedented, and Changbin was _terribly awkward._ Even though they were friends for two years and they talked a lot, Chan was the one doing most of the talking. He didn’t mind the other’s shyness, but Changbin still felt a bit guilty that he couldn’t contribute more to their friendship.

The fact he was chosen by Chan himself to be in his debut group made the feeling a whole lot worse. Changbin didn’t really deserve to be hand-picked like that. . .right?

He stood corrected when he had met the seven other boys. They had all seemed pretty nice, and their talents were undeniable. Their looks, though, really drained Changbin’s self esteem. Every single one of them looked absolutely incredible, and Changbin’s gay self was so close to losing it. His lack of relationship experience especially didn’t help the matter. That Felix boy had to be celestial, he was sure. No one could possibly look _that bright._

Lee Felix was similar to Chan, but also was a whole lot different. His aura was more nervous, more shy, but there was also an enthusiasm about him. Chan had lost that excitement after his fourth year in training, but the survival show seemed to have brought back that spark.

Felix was young. He had an air of childish optimism that, for dark and realistic Changbin, drew him in more than even the constellations of freckles did. His Korean was endearingly shaky and broken, and Changbin felt a rush of protectiveness whenever Felix stuttered out mismatched words before he’d huff and give up with a frown. Changbin really wasn’t a social person and would always overthink everything he did, but with Felix, he’d always help without a second thought.

 

Changbin grew close with all of them. Everyone in Stray Kids was honest and kind. But he couldn’t bring himself to come clean about his disorder. It wasn’t that he thought they couldn’t handle it or that he didn’t trust them enough, it was just that he had never really told anyone about it before. It was nerve-racking. He knew it was cowardly to keep such a personal thing to himself and not tell his friends, but he really couldn’t find the confidence to do so. No one had an inkling of speculation, and he found that simultaneously comforting and terrifying. He didn’t think he had any triggers, either, so his breakdown came to his surprise as well as to the other members.

 

”Are you excited, hyung?” Hyunjin asked, his brown eyes bright with anticipation. He was sitting beside him as Manager Lee quietly talked with Chan in the front seat.

They were about to perform at their very first music show. It was hectic and they had been pushed out of their dorm and into the van before Changbin could gulp down some non-prescription anxiety pills. Before, during the survival show, he had been able to perform well enough with the help of medication. But now he was on the way to MusicCore where there was sure to be tons of famous idols and thousands of people.

 _Oh, God, people._ Suddenly, he became hyperaware of every single person’s presence and how cramped he was. His heartbeat began pounding louder in his ears, but before his breath could stutter, he forced his lips into a tight smile as he turned to Hyunjin.

”Yes. We’ll do well, Hyunjin-ah. We always do,” he said, ruffling the other’s hair lightly. His hands shook a bit, and if the younger noticed, he didn’t say anything.

The performance itself went alright, save for Changbin making a few minor mistakes not even JYP could pick up. They might as well had been disasters, though, because after they had settled backstage Changbin went into a full-on panic attack.

He quietly slipped into an empty storage room where there were no cameras. He huddled in the corner of the already small room and hugged his knees to his chest as he rode out the attack. His heartbeat pounded in time with the ache in his head, the beats rocking his skull repeatedly. He had closed his eyes, but tears still managed to slip from under his lashes, falling onto his taut arms. He didn’t hear the confused voices or the footsteps outside.

”Changbinnie hyung?”

Changbin stiffened. He gave a small choked sob before folding in on himself, curling into a tiny ball in the farthest corner of the room.

”Hey, it’s okay. It’s just me—Felix,” the Australian murmured gently, crouching down to peer at Changbin’s position. He was scared to touch him, but he also wanted to help him calm down, so Felix slowly reached out to bring the older boy closer to him. After placing him in his lap and hugging him close, Felix realized how shaky Changbin really was. “You’re alright, hyung. Just listen to my heartbeat, okay?”

Changbin’s body trembled and everything felt nebulous. His lungs felt strained and his face felt both hot and cold. Somewhere through the haze, though, he felt a constant warmth. He snuggled closer to it, clinging his entire body to it like a starfish. There was a quiet rhythm emitting from it, and slowly, Changbin’s breath calmed as he focused on it. His heartbeat came to match every beat the warmth pounded, and he found comfort in that.

”Changbinnie hyung? How are you feeling?” Felix’s voice sounded above him.

He looked up, finally opening his eyes. They felt raw and he was sure he looked like a mess, but at the moment he was too exhausted to care. He blinked languidly as he mulled over the question, his brain interpreting it to him a bit late.

”Tired.”

Felix gave a relieved smile, his hand coming from around Changbin’s waist to stroke his hair. The older hummed quietly and leaned into the touch as he closed his eyes. 

“Could you tell me what happened?” His voice was gentle, soothing. His gaze was soft when Changbin opened his eyes.

”Felix-ah,” he murmured, tucking his head underneath the other’s chin, “I should’ve told you all about this a long time ago, but. . . I have a disorder.” When Felix only paused his petting for a moment only to continue, he went on. “It’s— it’s social anxiety. People really—“ he took a deep breath as he shuffled even closer to Felix, “—they scare me, I guess? I dunno, I always feel really antsy around them. Medication usually works a bit for crowds and stuff, but we didn’t have time today so I just got a bit overwhelmed after the performance.”

“Do I scare you?” Felix’s voice was quiet.

”No,” Changbin replied after several seconds. His eyes felt heavy as he murmured, “you make me feel safe.”

He didn’t see Felix’s cheeks color scarlet.

”You look sleepy, hyung,” he mused, wrapping his arms around Changbin and looking at the small boy laying against his collarbones. “Are you gonna use me as a pillow?”

Changbin gave a slow nod, lips parted slightly in a pout as he crept closer and closer to sleep.

”It must be hard.” Felix’s voice suddenly halted his journey to dreamland. “Always being around people. . . You’re so brave, hyung.” When the older gave a vague noise of disagreement, he continued, “Seriously! Like, you have anxiety all the time, but you’ve managed to get this far. That’s amazing! Without the help of a therapist or medication or anything!”

Changbin wasn’t sure why he burst into tears, but he did. The tears ran hot down his cheeks when he heard Felix’s telltale adoration and sincerity. Just the phrase “ _it must be hard_ ” struck a chord within him. Finally, someone understood. Finally, he didn’t have to hide the stupid disorder from everyone—just one was enough.

”Hey, hey, Changbinnie hyung, why are you crying again?” Felix asked desperately, concern tainting his voice as he quickly grabbed Changbin’s face to see him.

”Th-thank you,” he sobbed out, hands covering his face in an attempt to have some sense of control. “Thank you for understanding, Fe.”

Felix gently pulled the other’s wrists away from his face. The Aussie’s eyes softened substantially when he saw the splotchy skin and tear tracks and bitten lips.

”Anything for you, Changbinnie," he murmured fondly, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

"Does that mean I can sleep on you?" 

"Sure, hyung," Felix relented with a laugh.

 

 

 

**Bonus:**

The cramped room grew unbearable after a while, though, so with a sleeping Changbin in his arms, Felix rose from the ground and carefully walked through the door. The older boy in his arms only shifted slightly at the low hum of talk from the backstage area.

"Yah! Where have you—“ Jisung was quickly hushed by the sight of Changbin snuggling into Felix’s neck, his brow furrowed. Quieter, he snapped, “What the hell happened?”

”Panic attack,” Felix answered shortly, locking eyes with Jisung in an attempt convey what really happened. It seemed to have worked, because Jisung’s eyes softened.

”Get him to the van. Jeonginnie and Minho hyung and Manager Lee should be the only ones there.” When the younger nodded and turned to leave, Jisung added: “Take care of him, Felix-ah.”

He was already planning on it.

**Author's Note:**

> in hindsight i should’ve added a part for jisung bc of 3racha but i didnt?? guess im a fake fan whoops
> 
> (i love all nine pls understand)


End file.
